What is Faith?

Good morning! It is a beautiful day and the sun is shining! I am going to take advantage of the cooler temp and mow the grass but wanted to take a few minutes and put my thoughts into writing.

As you may be able to see from the post title there has been a little thing on my mind lately and that is FAITH. Not such a "little" thing after all! The Bible says that if we can just have faith even the size of a mustard seed. A mustard seed is small, tiny in fact. I have been drawn to this fact several times this past week in my devotionals, scriptures and posts from some other blogs that I read. God, are You trying to tell me something here??!! Yes, I believe He is!

I did a little checking about the mustard seed and it turns out that even though it is small, once it is planted it takes root and becomes one of the biggest of trees. As I reflect on what that has to do with faith I realize that even if my faith is small, if I can just hold onto it even by the tips of my fingers it will take root and grow until there will be no denying that it exists in my life, there will be no doubt because the branches will be growing and wrapping around every aspect of my life, every issue, every heartache, every moment of joy, EVERYTHING!

I realize that I have actually had faith my entire life. For instance, I automatically had faith that my every need would be met as a child because I had faith in and trusted my parents that they would do that for me, as I transitioned into a young adult I had faith in myself that I could provide for myself and survive in the world, as a young mother I had faith that I would be a good mother, I had faith that I could take great care of my babies even though I had never been a mother before, as a wife I had faith that I would be a good wife, a good companion and a good support even though it was all "new" to me. I have had faith that everytime I went out to start my car it would start unless, of course, I had forgotten to put gas in the tank or something silly like that. I had faith that every time I flipped the light switch the lights would come on, turn on the faucet the water would be there, and on and on I could go. So, the question that stumps me is if I can have faith in all of these things then why have I allowed my faith to be so shaky in trusting the ONE who wants nothing but the best for me, the ONE who loves me unconditionally even when I mess it up, even when I get myself into situations that are absolutely stupid, He never lets it effect the way He feels about me, the ONE who actually was tortued to death because He loved me THAT MUCH??!!

Wow, how foolish I have been. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have "said" the right words and have actually tried to convince Him that I actually had faith, total 100% faith in Him to take marvelous care of me, to rescue me from myself and to provide our every need but all along He knew I was fronting! But the most amazing part is that even though He knew I was "fronting" He actually STILL loved me totally 100% loved me! Even though He knew the words coming out of my mouth and heart were the appropriate words but not words that I truly believed, He still loved me, He still carried me and He has still supplied my every need!

My Heavenly Father, I just want to say that I am sorry for not trusting you enough to have faith in You to take care of me. I am sorry that I have held onto that one aspect of my life. I am sorry that even though I have said I was letting go and letting You take care of things, I still kept my hands on it all. I know how much my parents love me and I know how much I love my own children and Your Word says that You love us even more than that! The fact that You have the capacity to love EVERYONE in this world and that before we even realize our need You already know, well, that just amazes me! I am sorry that I have broken Your heart when You were standing there waiting to take care of me and I overlooked Your outstretched arms and decided that my own way was better. I can't promise that I will always be perfect and that at times I will not try to take care of things myself but with Your help and Your guidance I will promise that I will trust You to show me when I am taking the wheel and give it back to You for I know you have the perfect roadway mapped out for my journey in this life. I love you and I thank you for loving me no matter what!

Until tomorrow,
Beth

T-I-M-E and Starting Over....

Good morning! After failing miserably at keeping this blog updated and going, I have decided to jump back into the waters and give it all my effort to do this for myself. I don't know how many of you check the blog but just in case.... and if not, that's ok because it is therapeutic for me. In case it wasn't apparent before, I love, love, love to write!!

There has been so much action that has happened since I last posted. I turned the BIG 40!! Actually it wasn't so bad. I don't feel any differently and age is only a number anyhow, right??!! The parts that have really freaked me out are that Bri is a S-E-N-I-O-R and Taylor just turned 16!! This has hit me harder than turning 40!

I sit back and beg time to stop. Just stop long enough for me to savor every moment, absorb it into my mind and my heart. Too soon the time will be here that they will no longer depend on me for their every need. Don't get me wrong, I would never clip their wings, never expect them not to fly and become their own person but I guess all of these years I convinced myself that they would always need me. They would always be my babies. I KNOW in my heart that they will ALWAYS need me because let's just face it, we ALWAYS need our Mom's no matter how old we are, there are times when only Mom can make things right! However, they will not NEED me for their survival, they will not NEED me to take care of them. I am afraid that I have defined myself as "Mom" and forgotten "Beth". But you know what, I wouldn't change it! I have LOVED, 100% loved being Mom to Bri and Taylor! It has been my honor and a source of TOTAL joy!

We had the Bertram reunion in May. It wasn't the same without Mom and Dad. Everyone said so. But, everyone also understood that they were just not able to make it. I am thankful the kids and I were able to go. I was able to have an amazing conversation with my Uncle Fred. One that brought healing to both of us I think. I am thankful for that conversation because a month later he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Little did any of us know that our conversations, memories & moments we were sharing with him at the reunion would be our last with him. It makes me sad. It's just another example of that time thing I mentioned a few minutes ago. Time. Where is it going and why does it have to get there so fast??

I am looking forward to going to the Watson reunion in August. My Dad and Aunt Mallie are the only ones left as far as siblings go and I just don't want to miss an opportunity to be with them together that I might regret missing later on. I am finally understanding the meaning of "no regrets", living our lives with no regrets, living like we may have no tomorrow, dancing like it will be our last dance. While I understand the idea of living with no regrets, it's just getting myself there and over the hump of not knowing how to LIVE WITH NO REGRETS! It is a learning process!

The kids will be returning to school in just one short month! I will miss them. I know, I know I have parents tell me they can't wait until school starts again so they can get the kids out of their hair but here we go again, it's that TIME thing for me again! Rusty and I were talking on our way back from Pennsylvania after Uncle Fred's funeral about time. He will be turning 50 this year and his only son, Casey just got married on June 21st. I think the TIME thing has hit him as well. He played a great song for me by Pink Floyd called "Time" and boy did it hit the nail on the head. Sounds like our hearts and minds have realized the same thing doesn't it??

Bub, I just want to tell you that I totally appreciate you making sure I made it to New York while we were in PA. I appreciate you driving us and I also APPRECIATE what you are going through with TIME. If you need me, I am here. I may be the "baby" and you may be my "big" brother but I have an awesome shoulder to lean on and I can be strong when I need to be! I am proud to be your "little" sister! Ok, ok, I will stop with the mushy stuff! :)

To my family, ALL of you, I love you all. I haven't always been perfect and have had my many faults but I LOVE YOU ALL WITH ALL OF MY HEART!

Until tomorrow...
Beth

P.S. I'm leaving you with a picture of Casey & Kendra, the beautiful Bride & handsome Groom and with Whitney, their most beautiful Bridesmaid!