Farewell My Friends Farewell....

Just wanted to say "farewell" to this chapter in my blogging! I have created a new blogspot that is more appropriate for where I am currently finding myself in my journey of life! The year of change has served it's purpose for me and I am grateful that I found a place to give my innermost thoughts and feelings a voice.

My voice has been silent for so long that I have forgotten what it sounds like and most times do not even recognize the gentle whisper of my spirit telling me to rise up and be ME again! So, as a sign of leaving the old and moving forward to the new, I am retiring my previous blogs. Not erasing them because I feel this was a significant time of growth for me and something I want to always be able to reflect on. Just simply "retiring" and starting fresh! We all need a "fresh" start from time to time don't we?!

So, if you want to keep up with the lives and times of this Soon To Be Empty Nester Mom then check me out at http://emptynestermomtobe.blogspot.com!

Looking forward.......
Beth

What is Faith?

Good morning! It is a beautiful day and the sun is shining! I am going to take advantage of the cooler temp and mow the grass but wanted to take a few minutes and put my thoughts into writing.

As you may be able to see from the post title there has been a little thing on my mind lately and that is FAITH. Not such a "little" thing after all! The Bible says that if we can just have faith even the size of a mustard seed. A mustard seed is small, tiny in fact. I have been drawn to this fact several times this past week in my devotionals, scriptures and posts from some other blogs that I read. God, are You trying to tell me something here??!! Yes, I believe He is!

I did a little checking about the mustard seed and it turns out that even though it is small, once it is planted it takes root and becomes one of the biggest of trees. As I reflect on what that has to do with faith I realize that even if my faith is small, if I can just hold onto it even by the tips of my fingers it will take root and grow until there will be no denying that it exists in my life, there will be no doubt because the branches will be growing and wrapping around every aspect of my life, every issue, every heartache, every moment of joy, EVERYTHING!

I realize that I have actually had faith my entire life. For instance, I automatically had faith that my every need would be met as a child because I had faith in and trusted my parents that they would do that for me, as I transitioned into a young adult I had faith in myself that I could provide for myself and survive in the world, as a young mother I had faith that I would be a good mother, I had faith that I could take great care of my babies even though I had never been a mother before, as a wife I had faith that I would be a good wife, a good companion and a good support even though it was all "new" to me. I have had faith that everytime I went out to start my car it would start unless, of course, I had forgotten to put gas in the tank or something silly like that. I had faith that every time I flipped the light switch the lights would come on, turn on the faucet the water would be there, and on and on I could go. So, the question that stumps me is if I can have faith in all of these things then why have I allowed my faith to be so shaky in trusting the ONE who wants nothing but the best for me, the ONE who loves me unconditionally even when I mess it up, even when I get myself into situations that are absolutely stupid, He never lets it effect the way He feels about me, the ONE who actually was tortued to death because He loved me THAT MUCH??!!

Wow, how foolish I have been. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have "said" the right words and have actually tried to convince Him that I actually had faith, total 100% faith in Him to take marvelous care of me, to rescue me from myself and to provide our every need but all along He knew I was fronting! But the most amazing part is that even though He knew I was "fronting" He actually STILL loved me totally 100% loved me! Even though He knew the words coming out of my mouth and heart were the appropriate words but not words that I truly believed, He still loved me, He still carried me and He has still supplied my every need!

My Heavenly Father, I just want to say that I am sorry for not trusting you enough to have faith in You to take care of me. I am sorry that I have held onto that one aspect of my life. I am sorry that even though I have said I was letting go and letting You take care of things, I still kept my hands on it all. I know how much my parents love me and I know how much I love my own children and Your Word says that You love us even more than that! The fact that You have the capacity to love EVERYONE in this world and that before we even realize our need You already know, well, that just amazes me! I am sorry that I have broken Your heart when You were standing there waiting to take care of me and I overlooked Your outstretched arms and decided that my own way was better. I can't promise that I will always be perfect and that at times I will not try to take care of things myself but with Your help and Your guidance I will promise that I will trust You to show me when I am taking the wheel and give it back to You for I know you have the perfect roadway mapped out for my journey in this life. I love you and I thank you for loving me no matter what!

Until tomorrow,
Beth

T-I-M-E and Starting Over....

Good morning! After failing miserably at keeping this blog updated and going, I have decided to jump back into the waters and give it all my effort to do this for myself. I don't know how many of you check the blog but just in case.... and if not, that's ok because it is therapeutic for me. In case it wasn't apparent before, I love, love, love to write!!

There has been so much action that has happened since I last posted. I turned the BIG 40!! Actually it wasn't so bad. I don't feel any differently and age is only a number anyhow, right??!! The parts that have really freaked me out are that Bri is a S-E-N-I-O-R and Taylor just turned 16!! This has hit me harder than turning 40!

I sit back and beg time to stop. Just stop long enough for me to savor every moment, absorb it into my mind and my heart. Too soon the time will be here that they will no longer depend on me for their every need. Don't get me wrong, I would never clip their wings, never expect them not to fly and become their own person but I guess all of these years I convinced myself that they would always need me. They would always be my babies. I KNOW in my heart that they will ALWAYS need me because let's just face it, we ALWAYS need our Mom's no matter how old we are, there are times when only Mom can make things right! However, they will not NEED me for their survival, they will not NEED me to take care of them. I am afraid that I have defined myself as "Mom" and forgotten "Beth". But you know what, I wouldn't change it! I have LOVED, 100% loved being Mom to Bri and Taylor! It has been my honor and a source of TOTAL joy!

We had the Bertram reunion in May. It wasn't the same without Mom and Dad. Everyone said so. But, everyone also understood that they were just not able to make it. I am thankful the kids and I were able to go. I was able to have an amazing conversation with my Uncle Fred. One that brought healing to both of us I think. I am thankful for that conversation because a month later he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Little did any of us know that our conversations, memories & moments we were sharing with him at the reunion would be our last with him. It makes me sad. It's just another example of that time thing I mentioned a few minutes ago. Time. Where is it going and why does it have to get there so fast??

I am looking forward to going to the Watson reunion in August. My Dad and Aunt Mallie are the only ones left as far as siblings go and I just don't want to miss an opportunity to be with them together that I might regret missing later on. I am finally understanding the meaning of "no regrets", living our lives with no regrets, living like we may have no tomorrow, dancing like it will be our last dance. While I understand the idea of living with no regrets, it's just getting myself there and over the hump of not knowing how to LIVE WITH NO REGRETS! It is a learning process!

The kids will be returning to school in just one short month! I will miss them. I know, I know I have parents tell me they can't wait until school starts again so they can get the kids out of their hair but here we go again, it's that TIME thing for me again! Rusty and I were talking on our way back from Pennsylvania after Uncle Fred's funeral about time. He will be turning 50 this year and his only son, Casey just got married on June 21st. I think the TIME thing has hit him as well. He played a great song for me by Pink Floyd called "Time" and boy did it hit the nail on the head. Sounds like our hearts and minds have realized the same thing doesn't it??

Bub, I just want to tell you that I totally appreciate you making sure I made it to New York while we were in PA. I appreciate you driving us and I also APPRECIATE what you are going through with TIME. If you need me, I am here. I may be the "baby" and you may be my "big" brother but I have an awesome shoulder to lean on and I can be strong when I need to be! I am proud to be your "little" sister! Ok, ok, I will stop with the mushy stuff! :)

To my family, ALL of you, I love you all. I haven't always been perfect and have had my many faults but I LOVE YOU ALL WITH ALL OF MY HEART!

Until tomorrow...
Beth

P.S. I'm leaving you with a picture of Casey & Kendra, the beautiful Bride & handsome Groom and with Whitney, their most beautiful Bridesmaid!

It's A Beautiful Sunday.....

I think I'll head outside for awhile and smile!!! (borrowed part of the lyrics from a song somewhere!!) No, but really, it is a BEAUTIFUL Sunday! It has been so rainy and "cool" that I was beginning to wonder if the weather was confused and thinking that instead of April showers bringing May flowers it would be something like May floods bring out June bugs!

It is hard to believe that we are on the downward turn of May which leads me closer to my beautiful Bri being a S-E-N-I-O-R! No, No, No, No, No!!!!!!!! Not that I want to hold her back or anything, I just want to slow things down a bit! I didn't realize that time was passing by so quickly and that my opportunity to treasure every moment with her still "under" my wing would soon be coming to an end. Yes, I know, she will always and forever be "mine" but she won't always "need" me as she has needed me before. I am sure that I will get to a place of peace and our relationship will always remain strong. I am thankful for her. She has been a true joy and blessing to me. I am thankful that out of all of the "daughters" in the world, God gave me you, my sweet Angel Face!

It's been an amazing week. It has been one that brings true appreciation for what you have, for your health and for your loved ones. One of my cousins passed away this past week and while he was much older than myself, it still saddens my heart. Gone too young. Things I am sure that he still wanted to do with his life.

It has been a week of showing me that people aren't what they pretend to be. I was blind sided again this week and so the wound is gapping open again. It seems as though it is beginning to heal and then another blowing of the wind, another turning of the tide and it is opened again, seeping pain, frustration and yes, anger. I am angry that this "garbage", this "whirlwind" has been able to bring about the devastation and destruction of a family that had previously been so close, so loving, so forgiving, obviously an illusion if only a small wind can rip it apart as though ripping through a delicate flower, a blosoming butterfly. Will it ever be the same? Will it ever be ok? No. It will never be the same. At some time in our lives we may be able to figure out a "new" normal but never the same. I have heard many times that you can't turn back the hands in time, a word spoken cannot return to the mouth as unspoken and now I fully understand what it means.

We can try. That's all we can do. Actually, I can try. I am only responsible for myself and cannot no matter how much I would like to try, I cannot take on the responsibility of someone elses actions, thoughts & desires. So, I will try. I will try to be the best I can be. I will try to forgive and forgive again. I will try to remember that revenge is not mine for the taking and I must fully rely on God to take care of it all.

Until tomorrow,
Beth

I forgot to add....

I forgot to tell you about one of the big "firsts" that we recently had! Bri had her first prom! She looked absolutely gorgeous! Below are some pictures for you to see! She is the furtherest on the right. Isn't she absolutely beautiful??!!

One More Thing I Forgot!

I completely forgot that I wanted to share a video link with you all that a friend of mine shared with me today. It is a worship skit that a church did to Casting Crowns, I am Yours. It is absolutely beautiful and will hopefully bless you as it has blessed me.

The link is

http://www.mychurch.org/blog/30635/coolest-video-ever

Many blessings to all!

Until tomorrow,
Beth

More As Promised!

Hello again! I kept my word! I have missed having this place to come and chronicle my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and just everyday life! I'm not sure where I was heading with this that scared me so badly that I totally backed away from it. Maybe I was getting to know myself too closely and it scared me? I do that from time to time. I am guilty of self-sabotage! I get really excited about something and good things seem to start happening and then out of nowhere, BAM, I knock my own feet right out from underneath me and take myself out of the game! Well, I am fighting back this time and I am saying "put me in Coach (God), I am ready to play today"! It has taken a lot for me to finally realize what I do to myself. It has taken even more time for me to actually admit it and accept it! But, I do and I own it. Good, bad or ugly, it is mine and mine alone and only me and me alone can do anything about it! (I mean this from a "human" stand point but from a spiritual stand point I know that God will more than likely be carrying me most of the way!) And I profess today that I WANT TO CHANGE! From the inside out..... So, I am asking you to remind me from time to time, even if I don't want to hear it, remind me that I am worth it, that I can do this not only for myself but for those who love me!

I think I have mentioned before that I have been reading "I dare you" by Joyce Meyer. I can't believe how long it has taken me to read it but well, I am sure that is another self sabotage! Anyhow, I have tried to absorb every word, every suggestion because amazingly enough this book is like a guidebook to changing your life! I started out highlighting and then switched to underlining because my highlighter ran out but I find myself highlighting almost every word! It all applies to me! When I think of Joyce as the woman I have seen stand before crowds of thousands and then I think of the woman who wrote this book, it is hard to equate the two as one. Boy, she sure has come a long way! Her life hasn't always been like it is now and even now her life isn't always the way it would appear. I realize that this is because she is human and human's can never be perfect! It was great to realize though that she is just like me. She still makes mistakes but the only difference is that she has a "workable plan" in place to pick herself up and dust herself off and keep going whereas I, myself in the past have just "given up" on myself and "given in" to my circumstances!

So, what does this show me? I need a plan. I need an "escape route" when the tour guide (me!) of my life gets lost and can't find her way! A road map so to speak! When I was younger I remember we sang a song in church that went like this "I am using my Bible for a road map". My Bible is a great road map but sometimes I have difficulty reading the "map" and I need someone to help me decipher the twists and turns. I believe that God uses others to help us navigate which is why we have pastors, teachers, worship leaders, friends and on and on the list goes. I love reading ways others have figured out how to build their bridges through the journey of life and how they have saught shelter when the storm felt like it was too great to push through. It gives me ideas to pick and choose that may help me through my walk with God!

One of the topics that I have been reading lately is about creating an atmosphere where God can work in my life, the power that just having hope can bring, and the importance of CHOOSING our thoughts and CHOOSING to think better thoughts. I had never thought about it that way. I never thought that it is kind of like dieting. When you're used to just eating whatever you want and you decide for whatever reason that you need to change your diet, well the first little bit can be quite difficult and you just take one day at a time. Changing your life is pretty much the same. I think at times it can even be just about getting through one minute at a time but the most important thing is that when you "fail" you must not give up but pick yourself up and start over from right where you are and keep moving forward, never look back. I mean, sure we all look back in our lives at times because that is part of our "history", our lives but it is the reason we are looking back that matters. Are we looking back in hopes of changing what we did wrong or are we looking back as a moment of reflection, learning from a mistake or situation but realizing that it is what it is and the only change that we can make is the change of here and now.

So, today I make the choice to do my best at creating an atmosphere that God can work in my life, I choose to live with a positive attitude TODAY and not worry about TOMORROW until tomorrow is here and then tomorrow I will once again choose to take it one day at a time again and again. Like Joyce Meyer says, "God can make miracles out of messes and mistakes". Heavenly Father, I am trusting that you will take the messes that I have made out of my life, trying to do things on my own, and that You will begin to work the miracles that You have in store for me! I ask you to help me have an open heart and a willing spirit to get out of the way and let go and let You take control!

I hope you all have a wonderful & blessed Friday! I will have more for tomorrow but for now, well, life is calling!

Until then,
Beth